Why I am staying kid-free 🍼
A part of me wanted to just write...
Because it's my body and my choice and it's not open for negotiation. And if I change my mind, that's also my choice.
And end it there.
But, fortunately, I have decades of experience not meeting other people's expectations, and feeling the need to justify every choice I make, so I am happy to elaborate for anyone else out there who feels the need to question my decisions or genuinely is curious about this path.
Let's go back in time ...
I remember in high school, reading my textbook in world issues class on population growth, and I read a term called DINK: double income, no kids.
I remember reading that and seeing a picture of a young couple on a trip together, and I started picturing what that life could look like for me, it was the first time I actually started to picture a tangible future for myself and one that wasn't manifested from societies expectations.
In this life I was picturing, I had freedom to do all the things I desired — travel everywhere in the world, live in a beautiful house that is all my own, save money to spend on all the things I wanted in life. There was a world I could live in where I didn't need to have children? 🤔
Growing up, I honestly never really imagine myself with kids. Certain narratives that were built into my head over time, I just assumed it was part of the path everyone had to take... this path in particular sounded something like the taunts on the playground, if you've heard it before you know how it goes:
- First comes love
- Then comes marriage
- Then comes ______ with the baby carriage
There are a lot of missing pieces in that sing-song rhythm, and if I was to sing it again I'd probably re-write it as something like:
- First comes self-love
- Then comes some self-reflection time
- Then comes the end of this rhyme
Also watching this iconic condom ad, if you haven't already seen it, and maybe you'll see why kids just aren't on my roadmap:
Not having kids ≠ not wanting a family.
I have a family. I have a family I was born into and I have a family I've built. I've lived a life where family doesn't have to be biological—chosen family is something that I've grown up with and continue to live my life surrounded by the people I love and admire the most.
Have I felt indirect pressure from family members to have kids?
Absolutely—who hasn't? Seriously, if you have gone your entire life without a pressured conversation or even a casual remark about 'when you are gonna start popping them out?' then you must be living on another planet.
- "One day your kids will appreciate this."
- "You'd make such a good mother."
- "You'll change your mind, just wait."
- "Who is going to take care of you when you're old?"
- "You'll understand when you're a mom"
Of one of my personal favourites:
"Having a kid was the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. When are you going to have kids? Don't you want a family?"
I am so happy that you've found such satisfaction in having a child! Please never project your idea of happiness onto me, thank you ❤
Also, please be aware that there are many couples out there who want to have kids but are hitting roadblocks and it is extremely insensitive to ask someone 'why they don't have kids yet' when you have no idea what they could be going through.
- I love being an aunt to all my friends kids, I absolutely love those kids to pieces. This is me and my nephew and I'm obsessed with him.
- Just because I'm on a different life path than a majority of the people my age, does not mean I am growing apart from them or that I actively disagree with their decisions, on the contrary, I actively support and nurture relationships with my closest friends and family who are having children.
- This is not to say that you can't have a kid and also prioritize all of the things in life you want to do, I have seen extremely successful people manage it all and I am extremely supportive of them and live in awe of their accomplishments.
- I already have to pick up Gary's socks, I couldn't imagine picking up more 🙄
I have 2 kids and I just have to say… my wife and I could use a few more “aunts” in our lives who have the capacity to bring high energy love to our kids when we’re utterly depleted!
What you’re doing for your friends and their kids is so valuable 👏
Can you imagine having 2 cats AND a turtle??? (That will likely outlive us). Children… I don’t find them to be very useful. ;) 💛
First, SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU DEAR! XOXOXOXO I miss you and your positive, flowing energy!! You’re so brave to speak candidly about this; my husband and I are dogged often on whether or not we’re going to have kids, and it does add subconscious pressure and stress. The truth is, we simply haven’t decided yet. It’s a HUGE decision—one that alters the course of your life and takes so much control out of your hands (and puts it in the hands of a tiny baby – HA!) that we are too busy enjoying the life we’ve built to notice any type of void from not having children. I often search frantically for the one piece of advice that will help me finally decide Yes or No. It hasn’t come yet. So we’re in limbo. It’s a hard thing to explain to the majority of the population who come at the decision so naturally and intuitively. So I thank you for extending the conversation and being fearless in your life choices :) xo Much love!
Yep, love this.